Taking my life day by day, step by step.

It has been awhile since I’ve written anything. My poetry seemed to come to a screeching halt as the year progressed and my depression was masked much easier. It came to the last day of school, and since I had no classes that day… I didn’t want to go. But I’m glad I did end up going. Though, I had a great time, saying goodbye is always hard. It is unfortunate that it had to be the last day of school that this happened but, I met the man I want to spend the rest of my life with. He is gentle and respectful… he is everything I had ever dreamed of as a kid. Up until the conversation we shared that night through windows live messenger, I believed guys like that didn’t exist. I felt hopeless and worthless all year long, but suddenly, I felt true happiness again. I was able to smile and mean it. I spent the year telling myself just wait, just wait until school is out and the dance season is over then you can run away and, if you wish, kill yourself… Randy did not stop me physical nor emotionally from following through with my summer’s intentions… he merely showed me that it simply wasn’t worth it… there are too many things great in this world. We spent all night talking that night and eventually around 1am, I finally got off the computer and went to bed since I had a rehearsal the next day. I found my thoughts lingering upon him keeping me up for about an hour or so after getting into bed. The next morning, I woke up, my thoughts shooting straight to Randy. I spent the whole rehearsal not being able to focus because I was thinking about him.  We both knew that we liked each other and we spent that night talking, again. I invited him to my performance that was being held the next day and even though I had more rehearsals early the next morning, I found myself chatting with him until 2 o’clock in the morning. The next day, I had some good and some bad rehearsals. But one of two of my tap rehearsals seemed to leave me crying. I stood outside and got some air and hoped that no one would see me crying. All I wanted was to be with Randy. That night, he came to the performance and I was able to speak with him in between a couple of dances of mine. Even though we weren’t going out yet, we acted like we had been for months. I was overwhelmed with joy that he was there… and after the performance, I walked out into the lobby – skipping the drama because it doesn’t matter – and there he was, waiting for me again… he had a rose behind his ear and I instantly saw it. I gave him a hug and we talked a little bit and he showered me with comments on how beautiful I was and how good I did that night. At a moment of silence, he reached up and just like something you would see in an old fashioned movie, he handed me the rose and again, told me I was beautiful. I gave him one last hug and had to bid him my goodbyes due to the fact that I had been assigned to help clean the dressing rooms. I cleaned up as fast as I could and as best I could because I was anxious to get home and talk to him. We again, spent the night talking even though, again, I had rehearsals early the next day. Once again, I found my thoughts lingering on Randy all day the next day… and it was that night that Randy asked me to be his girlfriend… I gladly said yes. But, knowing that it had to be done, we decided to set some boundaries for our relationship. I was so pleased that I was finally with someone that I knew wouldn’t just be “any other relationship” I knew from the start that it was going to last. As was becoming the usual, we stayed up that night talking but the next morning, I didn’t have rehearsals, I had a party that I was dreading having to attend. I wished he could be there with me, but the rules were clear… we were not allowed to bring a guest. Afterwards, I did not get to go home just yet, though I did receive a call from him that lasted… well… two hours. We wanted to see each other… soon… but we both knew that we had some convincing to do before my father would allow it. Eventually my father said that Randy could come over to my house and we were both thrilled. I realized very quickly that Randy is the love of my life and that I did indeed want to spent the rest of my life with him… finally, a few days after he came over to my house, I wrote this for him;

I love you
with all of my heart

And all that is left

Of my cold

And timid soul…

My words may

Seem empty at times…

But I will never

Stop loving you…

And I will always

Mean that…

I sit in nature’s

Cave, and listen

To the sounds she creates

But all I can think of

Is the beat of your heart

The smile on your face

The warmth you bring

To my cold

And timid soul….

My heart beats

In unison with you…

The other half

To make us

A whole…

Just as my mind

Starts to slow

And my day

Comes to a close

I can’t help

But think of you…

I love the way

You hold me close

When you know

That something is wrong…

I love the way

You kiss me

Just to make me smile…

I love the way

My hand fits

Perfectly

In yours….

I love the way

Your breath

On my neck

Makes me feel

Wanted….

I love the way

You blush

When I say

I love you…

I love the way

You make

Me feel

Safe

Needed

Loved

Appreciated

Beautiful…

But most of all…

I love you
with all of my heart

And all that is left

Of my cold

And timid soul…

So alot of the things that have been happening in my life have been really helping me through things and tearing me down at the same time. Lets just say this, things aren’t going so well with my guardian angel (Katelyn.) I’ve found an artist that has really helped me too… his name is Ben Harper! But along the lines of Katelyn, this is something I wrote to her: I stare into your eyes and see a fake but all I can do is feel so much love for you. I thank you for what you have done for me, but hate you for what you have done to me. What is so different about you? I love you and you can’t hear me! You ignore me with all your might, and when I call you I feel like I can’t talk to you at all. I am miserable because of you but I am alive because of you. You have talked me into living through manipulation, and thus saving me from my own soul, you have given me food when I truly needed it, and you have offered to take me where ever I wanted when I ran away, but why do you matter so much to me that I can stand here and let you hurt me? On the day that it had been a year since you told me you knew, I wrote you poems and asked you to talk to me but you blew me off for a cup of coffee, you made me feel like nothing and like I was invisible, but worst of all, you had no idea that it had been exactly one year since that morning before ballet.                  I listen to sad songs and think of you and so, I try to sleep away the pain but all I can dream of is you, then, when I wake up I can’t get you out of my mind. I tell you my secrets and you act completely apathetic to the worst of the worst. I try to tell myself that you are just busy but deep down, I know you’re not. So, can you answer me? Why do I love you?                You are an amazing dancer. So much so that when you dance, I can’t tear my eyes off of you and yet, you sit there and say you aren’t getting enough praise to know the truth. Death is my wish; you don’t care about me, so why do you detest my decision? I used to feel like I could talk to you when ever I needed to but now all you say is “I don’t know what to say.” You used to give me what seemed like hope but now you take away that hope. Our relationship used to be one way, but not anymore, now, it’s no way. You have defeated me but you lose this time. I’m leaving for good now, and you have no say in stopping me so please, just don’t even try. My locket used to say “I’m sorry, I loved you… don’t forget me.” But now, it’s empty because you tore my heart out. Now I will cry with no one to hold me up, even though it seems that is how it has already been lately, this is final. Good bye my love, for I simply cannot let you hurt me any longer.   ‘ No, she probably will never see this but with any luck, she’ll notice that something is up when I stop trying to talk to her. If only she hadn’t ignored me… >.> … because of her, the speech that I have to give on wednesday is going to hurt like hell but I really hope that I don’t cry. I just want to let her go so baddly but I can’t. So my guardian angel, I love you but I can’t take it anymore… I hope you never read this because I can’t stand to hurt you the way you hurt me… 

It been a very long while since I’ve written here! So, here’s the update on how things have been going lately… I’m doing good on pointe but I think I’m going to get new shoes soon and tap doesn’t hurt nearly as much as it used to! This coming friday I will be leaving for vancoover, WA for a dance competition and convention so yay for that and my classes have been going great! I’m still depressed and definatly disapointed about Katelyn though, I am in a quartet in a really amazing lyrical this year. I’m still me, only alittle bit older and writting a book now. I’m totally failing my AP block now because I never do the homework but next year, things are going to be alot different. I have no phillosophical or poetic words for you today but I really wish I did. I am doing great with learning german (: this isn’t long because I really don’t have much to say right now but I feel like crap again and it isn’t fair.

Current mood: thinking… about life in general  

The question: Does dance come as naturally and easily to you, as learning to play 9 instruments came to you? 

The Answer: Actually the answer is both yes and no. I am very odd but not all at the same time. In private lessons I get through things very quickly and unexplained only shown… even learning new moves. When I am learning in a class of many people though there is something about it that prevents me from learning as quickly. Take learning a turning jete, back attitude for example… I was taught the right side in a private lesson and then I was taught the left side in a class. I cannot do the left side the way I do right. The right side has much more of a traveling feeling to it where as the left side stays in place and rotates on an axel placed at the attitude so it almost looks like seconds airborne. So, to sum it all up, LEARNING dance in the proper environment comes very quickly and naturally but mastering things came just as quickly as learning to play the extremely high notes on the clarinet or flute. They took time. Just the way the clarinet became what I excelled at, the flute easiest, the guitar hardest, and oboe most natural, I have that with different styles of dance. Ballet is what I excel at, Lyrical/Jazz is the easiest, and hip hop is the hardest. Hip hop truly is not hard nor is tap. I simply do not know how to let go as well. Pointe is the most natural for me. The way I think of my shoes as a part of me is similar to the way I thought of a double reed versus a single. My pointe shoe is an extension of my foot and a double reed was an extension to my lungs where as my flats are a slight burden and a single reed took much more time to become as easy.  I know for a fact that I would not have been able to achieve this if I didn’t BELIVE in myself. Going back to what I was saying about my ideal learning environment, mine just so happens to be private lessons with things left unexplained because when I was younger I learned to be dependent on other dancers around me and when it is just the teacher and me there is no one to “look answers off of” I suppose you could say. Most people would have an ideal learning environment of either private with things well explained so that they can get the individual attention you need or in a group of people with things well explained so that yes, you can ask other questions but so can other people and other people you will see making mistakes so that you can learn off of them but for me as I previously stated that runs the risk of becoming dependent on other dancers. But to answer the question in short Learning comes quickly but it takes awhile to actually MASTER the combination or move.

Current mood: Free Falling and indescribable… 

 The question:  life in genral… what do you think about it? I mean don’t you feel as if dance is the only way out of reality? people say all the time that there is no way out of situations… but isn’t that the reason we are all here at the dance studio every week? to get away from reality and have a life that no one else can have?

 Think about what you want, why you are there, and why did you choose a fantasy with dance….

The answer:   As for what I think about life in genral… I think that yeah it can be great if you chose that path for yourself because it can be horrible too… if you OR your parents set you out on such a path… I think that your parents can set you out on such a path by beliving life sucks themselves and since your parents are your main influence on life then you will take that view most likely unless you’re smart and/or rebellious  dance in this situation could be viewed litterly as my parents in the sence that dance has raised me for the most part… for me, dance… its like that story book love between prince charming and the long lost princess. sorry to use such an anoligie but it for some completly and totally random reason it was on my mind… but back to my point. For me dance… it came and it sweapt me off my feet and I’ve been in love ever since… so yes in a way it is indeed my way out of reality when things get super tough and when things are “normal” DANCE IS REALITY… so again yes that is why we are at the studio every week working our asses off… so that we can get through everything day by day moment by moment… our non-dance friends could never understand this because they dont know how we feel toward dance they don’t understand that for us, it is litterly our lives… and as for what I want? why should that matter? what I want is what I have… and I have gods grace to be able to anything in this world that I so choose so long as I put my mind, heart, and my very soul into what I am doing… smarts doesn’t explain why I can play 9 diffrent instruments, sing, DANCE, and act… yes, I may be smart but I personally think that someone is watching out for me  but then again… maybe not… maybe I’m mentally strong? this is a debate I have had with myself for very many years… I personally am at the studio because dance… makes me feel indescribeable… it makes me feel free of “the chains…” the chains being all of the tough spots in life that many teens don’t know how to get free of ya know? I personally don’t even know if dance was a concious decition for me… I think it was and still is one of those things that is like breathing… you don’t CHOOSE to breath and you don’t have to think about it either… thats why teaching can get hard for me at times becuse I DON’T think about the movements… only when its new or I’m concentrating too hard… for me, dance, it just… comes to me… I think I’ve pretty much answered your question(s) now… sorry its long but when it comes to dance I suppose if I absutly had to I could answer how I feel about dance in one word and that word as I said previously was “indescribable” but I felt like writting and so I did

  Today during lunch the guy I really like was totally rude… as I walked toward him when I was going to hang out with my friends -who were on the other side of “the quad” so of course I had no other option- he glared at me and walked away as if I was going to come up to him?! Yeah right after the way he had treated me during the previous period! I totally don’t like him anymore. Yeah if he does ask me out - wich he won’t - I’ll say yeah but I can’t stand him anymore! Today during dance I sat out of Hip hop and I don’t even know why… I just sorta didn’t want to do hip hop then I got sick so I guess it was good I sat out but I KNOW I could’ve stuck it out for the last hour of the day… this week has sucked all together… and now one of my friends I can’t talk to without the police “being involved.” I don’t even know what is happening to me… happy halloween if you can stand the amount of caffene and chocolate

  So last night was homecoming and at first I didn’t think it was going to be all that great but it turned out to be amzing! Everyone said I looked geourgous. I had alot of fun after I started actually moshing and I danced with Richard (he’s gay) and also Shanna, Monica, Ona, Jo, and a few other people and then all the preps thought it was lame lol mostly because the landed in the Drama pit rather than just getting over all their petty little issues and having a load of fun moshing. The guy I went for I never actually saw (he probably didn’t mosh.) But this guy wasn’t my date although I was hoping he’d ask me to dance. But, as I said, I never even saw him once… I feel like such a young kid again with the way I feel about him… It’s like puppy love or the technical term would be “infatuation.” I start stumbling around him and I get butterflies in my stomach when I’m around him he flirts with me everyday during math then after math I have lunch so he sits near my lunch table and after I’m done eating I’ll go over to the “Emo wall” and once he comes out of the cafatiria I’ll go sit near him outside and he keeps looking over at me and I want him to talk to me already! Grrr… I want him to ask me out! lol yeah, thats how my school life is lately AMAZING

P.S. go to http://www.dance.net/topic/7675031/1/Poetry/Thunderstorm-Edited.html&replies=0 for the edited version of “Thunderstorm”

   On friday I was sitting down at the creek off the nature path at Allen Dale ELEMENTRY and there was no way to get across the creek or anything but even if you did manage you would’ve landed in a wall of blackberry bushes.
Some creep comes up to me and asked me if I had CIGERRETS (remember: I was cornered and at an elemntry school) and I said no, why would someone be so dumb as to bring cigs to a school for very young children right? oh yeah, and of all things this was during the young kids soccer and football practice. then after I told him I had no cigs (i dont smoke) he asked me if i wanted to ride him a bit?!?!?!?!?! and i said NO! and then he started asking me my name and my age and I didn’t even answer… I was very lucky to have gotten out of this and I was very lucky that he was not adimate about ME riding him… This will not work for anyone ever because this was very much so by chance, I said as I was reaching for my phone and debating wether to call my dad or the cops “Can you go away please? like far away?!” and extreemly suprisingly he did, so it looked, I was crouched over as I was getting up and looking through the trees to see if he was actually gone and he was, luckly, the track is right at the gate of the nature path and since he had rollerbaldes on it was quite easy for him to get away - just as easy as it was for him to very scilently come up to me- and since he was “leaving me alone” he was rollerblading with his back in the perfect direction for me to RUN and to be honest you will never know just how fast you can run unless you are in a situation like this very unluckly the door to my mother’s classroom was closed and locked so I yelled in the window to open the door and finally when my dad did come to the door I had to squeeze into the door as the creep who’s so called name is john was riding back toward me now that he was on the playground area of the blacktop my dad thought I was joking around at first until I TOLD HIM WHAT HAPPEND this is really important please, please, please, if you are EVER in a situation even remotly like this talk to an authority about it ASWELL AS your PARENTS… so thats my story… I hope that if anything like this has ever happend to you or happens in the future that you talk to your parents about it… DON”T EVER BE AFRAID TO RUN EVEN IF YOU ARE CORNERED… this post goes out to girls yes but, guys can be sexually herased too even though its rare it does happen… now, about how im feeling now… yes, im scared shitless right now but no, i do not want empathy or simpathy… I just want someone i can talk to.

  Okay so, I had my first pointe class on wednesday and apperently I wasn’t supposed to cut the elastic in half but thats okay because the only reason is the way it looks so I’ll change it for the preformance. Good news is, I have progressed alot quicker than the other girls… I can already do alot of things the other’s can’t. Bad news… Grants Pass High sucks as far as where I want to go in life and I really want to audition for walnut hill… but the down side to that is loosing my record at All That Jazz… I would LOVE to go there… the most prestigous arts HIGH SCHOOL in the US… not to mention the only one of any qualite toward what I enjoy… I would really like going there… I wouldn’t dread going to school everyday and even better… I wouldn’t dread coming home from dance everyday…

  Okay so I had my first pointe shoe fitting yesterday and it took a suprisingly short time around 30 min. In the store the shoes I bought felt great but now I feel a sinking feeling in them when I place one foot en pointe and not the other. This I am afraid of discouraging me to continue my quest through the next 5 years or so to finding the perfect shoe. I’m afraid the pain of working through these shoes and hoping that it is simply a slight lack of strength will cause me to not contiue on in my journey… Dance is what I live for (litteraly) so if I get discouraged I’m pretty much screwed. Everyday I come home from dance and cry because it either hurts so freaken bad (tap causes hips to hurt) or I’m not progressing as much as the other girls or as quickly. I feel like a rusty old tin can…