Taking my life day by day, step by step.

  So my first day of high school was on tuesday and it SUCKED!!! I’m too fucking shy and I didn’t eat lunch and Evan was there and sat in on a few of my classes and that was really distracting but the most part I’m too SHY! And now I’m just straight up bored in math and AP humanities/world cultures and I’m getting work done im like 5-10 min. so I just end up sitting there the rest of the time… and in my AP block there is no higher level offered for freshman… we are trying to get my math class changed though… I really hope that my WHOLE schedual doesn’t get changed though… that would suck… especially since I KNOW there are Algabra 1 classes during that time… but yea I’m just tired of it and my wrists hurt and my shoulders hurt and so does my back but see this wouldn’t be happening with home schooling… just wanna go to sleep but and only wake up for dance… ever…. then leave and go back to sleep…

  The few things about love I trully understand… because I’ve only ever really loved 1 outside my familly… describing love is like describing the taste of water… love… its a really complicated thing yea… but it doesn’t have to be just between familly and your signifigant other… you can trully love your best friend… when you love someone you’ll know because when they are in your arms… you two are the only ones on the planet… even if you are in a room full of people… and you never really remember letting go… I think mostly because you dont want to remember that moment… they are the one you think about when you go to sleep and when you wake up in the morning… your dreams are full of memories you two have shared…

     The one I love… she found out my secret… I thought she cared… I trully did… she says she loves me but I can tell that its just that teenage girl thing… I forced myself to literally fall out of love… its failing misserably… you cant ever trully and fully let go of the one you love… she is an amazing and outgoing girl… she shares my passion of dance… her name is Katelyn… I cant get her off my mind… I really just wish I could let go… cause it only hurts worse to know that she doesn’t care about me as much… she never could… I dont think she understands… so please if you can tell me how to let go… comment… or message me…

Its getting closer and closer to fall season… Its time…its time to realize that there is hope out there… this year is supposed to be amazing… I want no… need… this year to be amazing…this is my last year on intermidiate… and this is my first year of High School… dance has been getting increasingly more stressful so I really hope that I can figure myself out before its too late…

Okay so there’s a rather large cut on my arm in the shape of a cross but my braclets cover them up just fine… so I thought… after the workshop today I look down and they were only barely covering the cut so I really hope that no one saw… especially my mother… but its worse… some of my old teachers were there… I made this cut before I learned the ice trick but its of course still there… I really hope I heals soon and I am able to resist the urge to cut again…

  I don’t why this is making me so happy but today when I told Katelyn about my “Therapy” it just felt really good and I could totally tell she was happy with me ^_^ so yea its been a really weird day but I guess its because now I feel good about myself that Im happy. Dance didnt go perfect today but thats the whole point of taking classes right? To get better ^_^… so yea I have a tech workshop that I have to go to so ttyl ^_^

 I finally feel at peace with myself. Its sort of complicated because I don’t really even think its possible with all that is going on in my life right now and yet I am. I think that if there is a god… that it may be his way of saying that there’s a spot for me ready. I don’t know if I feel ready yet though. Even through all of the confusion and sadness I still feel at peace with myself. I dont know exactly what is happening to me but I do definantly hope that this feeling lasts a very long time. I’m able to smile and belive in it again. But on the other hand it could be that there is a spot for me in hell. I know I will never be normal but the feeling Im feeling now is of human nature…

On tuesday I had my jazz and tequnique class and I had a subsitute teacher and it was one of the girls that graduated last year and we all thought she and her bestfriend portland but there she was teaching class and I looked at Emily like wtf… where did she come from… but moving on… her class really woke me up inside… Im feeling worse than ever… I feel like Im about to pass out all the time… I took the depression test today and I found Im at 73… Im really hoping that classes tomarow will help…

Why am i not afraid of death and dying? I’m not because its all i think about… its all I can think about lately as I listen to my fingers skate along the keys so swiftly to the beat of the music. I think of what I’ve done and cry many hours. I feel like a murder… but how can you murder your own soul? I dont deserve any forgiveness ever for anything I’ve done and I wish it would all just stop… the world seems like it stands still today exept for you and me even though I see others talking to me and yet all I can hear is your voice… and your sadness… tonight is the night that I would’ve died if it wernt for dance… I may have to wait until tommarow to let my feelings run free but I’ll enjoy evey moment of it because tonight is the night that I’m simply going to say NO. The craving for blood may be strong but for once… I think I’m stronger…

 I think that at 14 I’m too young to be dating. I never thought I would ever say this but my mom was right I shouldn’t be dating until I’m 16. I don’t belive that males are evil no but, I just feel like they need to learn self control. I feel that young girls should not have to deal with guys and all the drama they cause. I have decided that until I’m 16 I will not date and I will focus more on my school work and bettering myself as a dancer. Last night I felt that I wanted to kill someone or even myself… I thought it would make things better… but I found in my deep soul finding sleep last night that it would do nothing but let my friends and my family down even more. I feel that what I did let my friends and my family down alot… I feel like an idiot for dating someone at this age and expecting it to go well at all. Any comments/advice is much apriciated =D.

Tonight I went to dinner with my family and I didn’t think much of the cuts of my right arm because my family knows that I am in the prosses of quiting so I wore a tank top because it was hot out but I found that everyone around me couldn’t take their eyes off the cuts even when I looked right at them… It felt like they had glued their eyes to my arm… I even saw two different families leave after seeing my arm… I feel so low… I feel worthless… I feel like I’m the worlds joke…