Taking my life day by day, step by step.

It has been awhile since I’ve written anything. My poetry seemed to come to a screeching halt as the year progressed and my depression was masked much easier. It came to the last day of school, and since I had no classes that day… I didn’t want to go. But I’m glad I did end up going. Though, I had a great time, saying goodbye is always hard. It is unfortunate that it had to be the last day of school that this happened but, I met the man I want to spend the rest of my life with. He is gentle and respectful… he is everything I had ever dreamed of as a kid. Up until the conversation we shared that night through windows live messenger, I believed guys like that didn’t exist. I felt hopeless and worthless all year long, but suddenly, I felt true happiness again. I was able to smile and mean it. I spent the year telling myself just wait, just wait until school is out and the dance season is over then you can run away and, if you wish, kill yourself… Randy did not stop me physical nor emotionally from following through with my summer’s intentions… he merely showed me that it simply wasn’t worth it… there are too many things great in this world. We spent all night talking that night and eventually around 1am, I finally got off the computer and went to bed since I had a rehearsal the next day. I found my thoughts lingering upon him keeping me up for about an hour or so after getting into bed. The next morning, I woke up, my thoughts shooting straight to Randy. I spent the whole rehearsal not being able to focus because I was thinking about him.  We both knew that we liked each other and we spent that night talking, again. I invited him to my performance that was being held the next day and even though I had more rehearsals early the next morning, I found myself chatting with him until 2 o’clock in the morning. The next day, I had some good and some bad rehearsals. But one of two of my tap rehearsals seemed to leave me crying. I stood outside and got some air and hoped that no one would see me crying. All I wanted was to be with Randy. That night, he came to the performance and I was able to speak with him in between a couple of dances of mine. Even though we weren’t going out yet, we acted like we had been for months. I was overwhelmed with joy that he was there… and after the performance, I walked out into the lobby – skipping the drama because it doesn’t matter – and there he was, waiting for me again… he had a rose behind his ear and I instantly saw it. I gave him a hug and we talked a little bit and he showered me with comments on how beautiful I was and how good I did that night. At a moment of silence, he reached up and just like something you would see in an old fashioned movie, he handed me the rose and again, told me I was beautiful. I gave him one last hug and had to bid him my goodbyes due to the fact that I had been assigned to help clean the dressing rooms. I cleaned up as fast as I could and as best I could because I was anxious to get home and talk to him. We again, spent the night talking even though, again, I had rehearsals early the next day. Once again, I found my thoughts lingering on Randy all day the next day… and it was that night that Randy asked me to be his girlfriend… I gladly said yes. But, knowing that it had to be done, we decided to set some boundaries for our relationship. I was so pleased that I was finally with someone that I knew wouldn’t just be “any other relationship” I knew from the start that it was going to last. As was becoming the usual, we stayed up that night talking but the next morning, I didn’t have rehearsals, I had a party that I was dreading having to attend. I wished he could be there with me, but the rules were clear… we were not allowed to bring a guest. Afterwards, I did not get to go home just yet, though I did receive a call from him that lasted… well… two hours. We wanted to see each other… soon… but we both knew that we had some convincing to do before my father would allow it. Eventually my father said that Randy could come over to my house and we were both thrilled. I realized very quickly that Randy is the love of my life and that I did indeed want to spent the rest of my life with him… finally, a few days after he came over to my house, I wrote this for him;

I love you
with all of my heart

And all that is left

Of my cold

And timid soul…

My words may

Seem empty at times…

But I will never

Stop loving you…

And I will always

Mean that…

I sit in nature’s

Cave, and listen

To the sounds she creates

But all I can think of

Is the beat of your heart

The smile on your face

The warmth you bring

To my cold

And timid soul….

My heart beats

In unison with you…

The other half

To make us

A whole…

Just as my mind

Starts to slow

And my day

Comes to a close

I can’t help

But think of you…

I love the way

You hold me close

When you know

That something is wrong…

I love the way

You kiss me

Just to make me smile…

I love the way

My hand fits

Perfectly

In yours….

I love the way

Your breath

On my neck

Makes me feel

Wanted….

I love the way

You blush

When I say

I love you…

I love the way

You make

Me feel

Safe

Needed

Loved

Appreciated

Beautiful…

But most of all…

I love you
with all of my heart

And all that is left

Of my cold

And timid soul…