Okay so… I’m the manager/dancer for my friend’s band and everything and its cool but things in my regular life have been sucking… alot… I want things to be back to the amazingness of the first wednessday of dance… pictures went amazing until after… when my dad exploded! I’m so tired of this mother fucking family!!! I know its short but its all I got so peace out…
yes, my mind is going to fast to write everything memroable down but I’ll write what I can… you sort of just had to be there, but ,let the entry begin…
dance today….I got there at 3:30 right when the door was unlocked and had a convo (short) with Karen and then I did my hair but my hair didn’t want to go up in a bun… so I talked to rose-mary and she said it was just fine… and by this time Haylie (sp?) showed up… and I told her if she needed help with a bun or whatever to just ask… and then I changed… and Katelyn showed up (hyper as usual ^_^) and oh yeah Shawn was also there by this time… so Haylie (sp?), Shawn, and I went to “watch” her class (she was teaching adv. kids hip hop) since it started 15 min. prior to Ballet but we ended up doing and it was just overall fun… then when she said on your backs I was gone… that always means crunches and I really didn’t want to do them for “fun” so then ballet was about to start and that was really fun but pre-point was amazing since Darcey, Aly, and I are vets and are going onto point this year we got to do all the stuff without the barre and faster… and she talked to Darcey and I (Aly is still “thinking” about doing pointe) and she said that she would write all the stuf up and everything and that was just straight up exciting… and oh yea I forgot a part… before ballet when Haylie (sp?) and Shawn were talking I followed Katelyn into rm. 4 and she pretty much did everything she was doing in like 15 min. so I learned alot of it… and then when I went to hip hop she used one of the things I picked up on earlier for across the floor so that was cool but it was just really fun because I threw it as hard as I could today and today is my lower classes and my electives so its fun… and about the title it was something Katelyn said during hip hop when people wern’t getting it… and it was tourcherous for me because I had it down fast… after hip hop she actually came to me and hugged me then I dont know if was purpousful or not but the cute little peck on the forhead that is like “you’re doing great/ I’m proud of you” but we had a good but short talk after and today was just AMAZING… like I said in the previous entry… its the days like these that I live for… I really hope I have this great of a day tomorow EVEN THOUGH I don’t have dance… I hope that everyday from now till the end of eternity can be like today…
Today was an amzing and really fun day… its the days like these that I live for… during lunch scratch that I’m starting from the begining… this morning when I got to school there was like no one on campus so I sat where I usually get picked up at and eventually I started dancing… and then I got bored and tired and sat back down then when the busses got there I went walking around… and found Elaina and she’s fun… then art history day… I need not say more ;D… I had a fun time with the lab in science today and I have no homework today… then there was a break in between 2nd and 3rd per. instead of 3rd and 4th so I had no one to talk to but I did go to my locker when Tamera happend to be there too and she had diet vizo which yea its good but regular would be sooooo much better… we talk about the secret ibis in 3rd/4th per. and we did a fun as hell journal write… 5th per. went kinda bad in the begining but I got all my work done in class so I have no homework ^_^… then lunch… lunch was really funny… Taz and I were sitting in the usual spot (inbetween pro-tech and science) and she gets out her homework and says how do you spell macaroni? and so I started writing down 6 differnt ways it might be then I called Katelyn but she was at work, then I called Evan but he just didn’t pick up but then, I call my dad… he says that since he’s sitting infront of the computer he’ll google it and he came up with a wiki file and so he told me how to spell it then he told me all about macaroni… apperently its vegan… but then 7th per (wellness… always funny/fun) we did this worksheet thing and yea… and now for the ever so halarious german class… we were standing outside waiting and me and sojia (her adoptive name) were talking and somehow my phone came up and I showed her the shinnieness that I put on back of it and then Natalie (her adoptive name) walked up… and like FREAKED out… but in the funny way… and then she put her number in my phone and yea… and Frau Nash wasn’t late today (good for her!) we did bingo in class today and someone said how do you say bingo in german? and she (Frau Nash) says its really complicated… “bingo”… and everyone just started laughing… and then after school while I was waiting I called Katelyn (just to leave one of my totally random messages on her phone) but the first time the call was droped… and the second time I ended up saying “hey, its Liesl, how do you spell macaroni? oh yea and give blood its tasty” so funny… then I got to dance at 3:30… dance today was indiscrbeable it was so amazing so I’ll write that another time ^_^… as for the “literally” part of the title that’s Katelyn’s new favorite word… lol…
So my first day of high school was on tuesday and it SUCKED!!! I’m too fucking shy and I didn’t eat lunch and Evan was there and sat in on a few of my classes and that was really distracting but the most part I’m too SHY! And now I’m just straight up bored in math and AP humanities/world cultures and I’m getting work done im like 5-10 min. so I just end up sitting there the rest of the time… and in my AP block there is no higher level offered for freshman… we are trying to get my math class changed though… I really hope that my WHOLE schedual doesn’t get changed though… that would suck… especially since I KNOW there are Algabra 1 classes during that time… but yea I’m just tired of it and my wrists hurt and my shoulders hurt and so does my back but see this wouldn’t be happening with home schooling… just wanna go to sleep but and only wake up for dance… ever…. then leave and go back to sleep…
The few things about love I trully understand… because I’ve only ever really loved 1 outside my familly… describing love is like describing the taste of water… love… its a really complicated thing yea… but it doesn’t have to be just between familly and your signifigant other… you can trully love your best friend… when you love someone you’ll know because when they are in your arms… you two are the only ones on the planet… even if you are in a room full of people… and you never really remember letting go… I think mostly because you dont want to remember that moment… they are the one you think about when you go to sleep and when you wake up in the morning… your dreams are full of memories you two have shared…
The one I love… she found out my secret… I thought she cared… I trully did… she says she loves me but I can tell that its just that teenage girl thing… I forced myself to literally fall out of love… its failing misserably… you cant ever trully and fully let go of the one you love… she is an amazing and outgoing girl… she shares my passion of dance… her name is Katelyn… I cant get her off my mind… I really just wish I could let go… cause it only hurts worse to know that she doesn’t care about me as much… she never could… I dont think she understands… so please if you can tell me how to let go… comment… or message me…
Its getting closer and closer to fall season… Its time…its time to realize that there is hope out there… this year is supposed to be amazing… I want no… need… this year to be amazing…this is my last year on intermidiate… and this is my first year of High School… dance has been getting increasingly more stressful so I really hope that I can figure myself out before its too late…
Okay so there’s a rather large cut on my arm in the shape of a cross but my braclets cover them up just fine… so I thought… after the workshop today I look down and they were only barely covering the cut so I really hope that no one saw… especially my mother… but its worse… some of my old teachers were there… I made this cut before I learned the ice trick but its of course still there… I really hope I heals soon and I am able to resist the urge to cut again…
I don’t why this is making me so happy but today when I told Katelyn about my “Therapy” it just felt really good and I could totally tell she was happy with me ^_^ so yea its been a really weird day but I guess its because now I feel good about myself that Im happy. Dance didnt go perfect today but thats the whole point of taking classes right? To get better ^_^… so yea I have a tech workshop that I have to go to so ttyl ^_^
I finally feel at peace with myself. Its sort of complicated because I don’t really even think its possible with all that is going on in my life right now and yet I am. I think that if there is a god… that it may be his way of saying that there’s a spot for me ready. I don’t know if I feel ready yet though. Even through all of the confusion and sadness I still feel at peace with myself. I dont know exactly what is happening to me but I do definantly hope that this feeling lasts a very long time. I’m able to smile and belive in it again. But on the other hand it could be that there is a spot for me in hell. I know I will never be normal but the feeling Im feeling now is of human nature…
On tuesday I had my jazz and tequnique class and I had a subsitute teacher and it was one of the girls that graduated last year and we all thought she and her bestfriend moved to portland but there she was teaching class and I looked at Emily like wtf… where did she come from… but moving on… her class really woke me up inside… Im feeling worse than ever… I feel like Im about to pass out all the time… I took the depression test today and I found Im at 73… Im really hoping that classes tomarow will help…
