Taking my life day by day, step by step.

Why am i not afraid of death and dying? I’m not because its all i think about… its all I can think about lately as I listen to my fingers skate along the keys so swiftly to the beat of the music. I think of what I’ve done and cry many hours. I feel like a murder… but how can you murder your own soul? I dont deserve any forgiveness ever for anything I’ve done and I wish it would all just stop… the world seems like it stands still today exept for you and me even though I see others talking to me and yet all I can hear is your voice… and your sadness… tonight is the night that I would’ve died if it wernt for dance… I may have to wait until tommarow to let my feelings run free but I’ll enjoy evey moment of it because tonight is the night that I’m simply going to say NO. The craving for blood may be strong but for once… I think I’m stronger…

 I think that at 14 I’m too young to be dating. I never thought I would ever say this but my mom was right I shouldn’t be dating until I’m 16. I don’t belive that males are evil no but, I just feel like they need to learn self control. I feel that young girls should not have to deal with guys and all the drama they cause. I have decided that until I’m 16 I will not date and I will focus more on my school work and bettering myself as a dancer. Last night I felt that I wanted to kill someone or even myself… I thought it would make things better… but I found in my deep soul finding sleep last night that it would do nothing but let my friends and my family down even more. I feel that what I did let my friends and my family down alot… I feel like an idiot for dating someone at this age and expecting it to go well at all. Any comments/advice is much apriciated =D.

Tonight I went to dinner with my family and I didn’t think much of the cuts of my right arm because my family knows that I am in the prosses of quiting so I wore a tank top because it was hot out but I found that everyone around me couldn’t take their eyes off the cuts even when I looked right at them… It felt like they had glued their eyes to my arm… I even saw two different families leave after seeing my arm… I feel so low… I feel worthless… I feel like I’m the worlds joke…

yea i have all ive got left back… but some how still feel a part of me is missing… I have what most girls only dream of… I feel like its nothing though… its been a part of me for the past 11 years and I feel like im loosing it… every injury every ache and pain ive lost that much more… bandies know that yea pain is just weakness leaving the body but is it really? I feel like it doesnt even matter anymore what I do… Im gone… I cant hear those soft spoken words only the harsh scream of what to do now… is the flame of my burning passion going out?

 I find myself feeling suicidal resently… today when I was shaving my legs I got cut and it brought back many old feelings and thoughts and I just don’t know what to do with myself… do I give in to my old feelings? or do I give myself a slap in the wrists and try to ignore it as if it wern’t even there? Please help… some one… I’m like a lost dog with no home…

   Life in genaral has its ups and its downs yes, but, it seems like in mine there happen to be more downs right now than ups. My vaction is going pretty okay but there DEFINANTLY have been downs… I got to spen two nights in a penthouse in south beach, Miami, Florida and it totally changed some of my veiws on the world. It made me realize that deep down inside that happy me IS still there… but then now that I’m here in Key west I’m realizing that the “old” me has done nothing but been buried… on the outside I’ve changed so much but on the inside its still me… depression and all… I try to just take my life day by day, step by step but its defanantly not easy….

Thanks Boldon for a great year even though you wont ever see this… Thanks David for making my life hell but of course all in good fun, you really were a great friend =D… I wish I could do band next year but I can’t… Band always was the Highlight of my day and it would always put me in a great mood… yes there were some bad times but the best ones I’ll always remember… I fear of loosing the ability to play but I know that somewhere inside me I will always rememeber… I hope to get back into band my juinior year but just not do marching band… this year I plan to continue to play in my spare time… Thanks everyone in band for a great year!

Current mood: enjoying life as it is and taking it day by day, step by step. 

♥This year was so wonderful thanks to you… yes there were bad moments and yes there were some hard times but the ones I’ll look back at are the great memories thanks to you. This year has brought so many new feelings emotions and a realization that I never would’ve reached without you… I don’t want this year to ever end because it was so great but I know that next year is going to be just as amazing and hopefully even better. Thanks to you I would come to dance sad and by the end of dance with the help of you and everyone else I wouldn’t be able to stop smiling. I’m scared that I’m loosing my passion for dance but everytime I go into your class I realize that its what I truely love and that I really couldn’t live without it. So cheers to a great year and another one to come… I love you so much for everything you’ve done for me this year so don’t forget me… ever…♥

 Today Jazz was AWSOME! I was doing the best and the most seconds I’ve been able to do in awhile and I had a triple piroutte 100% and then just cause I now I can I went for 4 and found myself with 5.5 pirouttes =D!!! I wish that one wasn’t a once in a lifetime thing because if it wasn’t but the time I’ve been dancing for 15 years I’ll have 5 100% of the time and be working on 6 and 7. It makes me realize that my future isn’t hopeless after all and that I’m probably going to get really far with dance in terms of the studio. Next year I’ll be on Point and I already have been on point before and I got my balance on one foot instantly which is going to be a really good thing for me next year in class. I’m really hoping that next year when I do my solo I’ll do good but more importantly I hope that this year the dance concert will go smothly and well and florida will be wonderful. Next year is my freshman year and everything is going to be wonderful because even though I don’t show it I got the classes that I really wanted. At dance I’m more than likely going to be in more of the advanced classes but still taking lower classes as electives for technique. Even though I’m not on Advanced Production I think I’m going to enjoy being on Intermediate Production again and that way I’ll get more experiance in competion. I’m so excited about being featured in ballet 1 & 2 and my part on the chair in Tap. This year was a GREAT year and I ended this year really good. I’m really honestly happy with the way things are going at dance right now that I wish that it would never end. More of my friends have started realizing that I need dance in my life and they are begining to support my decitions about dance.

Thanks to all of my friends at dance for a great year!

I haven’t written in forever! There’s sooo many things that have been happening in the past few months that I don’t know where to start! In ballet I was featured and I got a duet… next year I’m going on point! I’m sooo excited for Florida and next year… I’ve been writting alot less lately and I’ve found that my Depression scores are higher than they have ever been… I’m sooo stressed about this week… I have 2 showes that I’m no where near ready for and Florida which I’m not even near ready to be able to pack… I managed to do 5 Piroettes today in Jazz! Sooo exciting… today I went to the DMV to get an ID card and the stupid Bitch tried to give me a permit test… then my mother fucking parents were arguing… and then I went to dance (see above for the really excitting news) and also I can do seconds way better now… then we got our t-shirts for night of the dancing flame (one of my charecter dances for Iner. Production) which are really cool and I found that I know one of my dances better than I thought so that makes me really happy… I’m gonna try to leave out the bad stuff that happend (why this blog is so short). But yeah I’m gonna try to write alot more again… but fiik y  but i g2g…